Reinventing yourself...


I feel in a constant state of change, at the same time I feel like I'm a little girl again. A scared, lost little girl. Like instantaneously everything I have could be gone. Marriage, my child - every other area feels so alone.

My past holds me hostage, I've let go of so much. I've ran, avoided, sucked it up. Through all that there's one thing I can not seem to let go of... my ex. There's this immense fear I hold that something will happen and he'll get my baby. It's hard enough having a piece of your heart out there in human form. Being scared you'll screw it up by default is extremely frightening. This innate drive lives in me to keep tabs from a distance. To keep him under glass, to study him. I want to let go so much, oh I want to. I don't want to need security in knowing - but I choose to know.

It kills me slowly, with each click.